Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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