Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
