You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dicks are not precious.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
