Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
