the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
