Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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