well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
