fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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