Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize