I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
