what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
