My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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