Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why is your signature on my underwear?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
