I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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