Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
