I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize