I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
