just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
