im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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