R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
