We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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