I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
