I'm pants shitting drunk right now
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
