and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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