Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
