I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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