Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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