Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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