I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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