Your tits are I can't wait for
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
