So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
