alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
