The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm having to shit out rocks
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
