We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
