That reminds me...we need to get swords
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
