you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
