Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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