a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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