HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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