you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
