Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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