I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
