i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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