I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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