I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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