Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize