apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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