I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
