His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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