Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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