I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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