i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
