Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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