This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
