What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
