Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
