Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
