You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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